"Illness is a little like death, you
do die for just a bit" This was said by a friend of mine when I had a bad
cold and complained of sleeping a lot.
There is a bit of death in illness isn't there? What would it be like if I just stopped existing? What if death were to come for me
tonight? Who would notice and when? Ah, did that ring of a little insecurity that
you so much detest. Why, yes. Yes, it did.
Oh how we fool ourselves to into thinking that we are
secure, stable and pulled together.
While underneath in the dead of night those cold fingers of insecurity
lurk from under the bed, in the shadows they come, silent and evasive but we
know they come. At first, slowly, easily
shaken off but then the thoughts come: would they.., could they.., what if..,
what about.. and a flood ensues. I am
swept away with self-doubt left to wonder of my worth and attractiveness to
other. My stellar wit shredded to a
huddled mass. My steeled intellectualism
is left quivering in the corner. Oh,
self-doubt you are cruel and heartless.
"Would they even notice if I was gone?!” and a fierce storm begins to rage out of
control.
Now
the winds are howling and sneering 'who really cares about you?!' The razor sharp rain of depression seems to cut at my face to
my very soul. The smell of deep earth
fills my senses as I try to claw my way out but I am pushed deeper down the
rabbit hole. I am sure to be encased in
the gruesomeness of it all. “Please
dear God, save me!” I try to scream, but air no longer seems to come into my
lungs. Then...a blinding light! It seems
to shine from nowhere and everywhere at once.
Is that the screeching of wheels, the burning of rubber as water and mud
are splashed on my face? But, how, but
who?!
"Give me your hand!" he screams
through the howling winds and the sleeting rain. It's almost unintelligible with the raging
hurricane that punches me deeper down into the depths. I can see the fingers reaching for me,
desperately, strongly with all the assurance I have ever needed. His form is silhouetted black against the
bright white of the spotlight behind him.
This moment is all there is... I can resign myself to my fate: going under the raging waters and mud of the
storm, choosing death, an easier way than this fight, for sure. OR, I can reach, stretch, pull muscles,
dislocate a joint if I must, to save myself.
The pain is sure to be great but will it be worth it?! The milliseconds of indecision stretch like
an eternity and then I choose. I make the
leap!
I stretch out with all my strength, with
all my heart with all my soul and mind.
I reach to the outstretched hand that stands in the light. Almost in the moment of thought, as though
only my thinking “I will try!” makes the arduous reach attainable. There the hand is. Its firm grip has me. The strength behind that hand makes easy work
of pulling me up to the light as though I am lighter than air. As I am pulled up, gasping for the air I had
been denied, immediately, as though he commands them, the winds die, the waters
recede, the rabbit hole gone. The once
bright spotlight now shines from morning light.
The birds sing a song of triumph and the frog add chorus to the
freedom. Green grass and the smell of
dew in the meadow are strong in my nose and I feel the Son on my face, warming
me through. Who was my rescuer? The spirit is all around me and yet nowhere
that I can see. There is no sign of the
storm, the winds, the rains, floods, or holes to sink into. It’s just me in a meadow, on a calm spring
morning, feeling cleaned, loved, warm.
It's then that I wake up in my bed the dog on my feet, a cat behind my
knees. The sun peeking through the
curtains and I am left wondering, "Did I die just a bit?"
Isaiah 43
New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
Restoration and Protection Promised
But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be
with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not
overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be
burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
4 Because you are precious in my sight,
and honored, and I love you,
I give people in return for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not fear, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
and from the west I will gather you;
6 I will say to the north, “Give them up,”
and to the south, “Do not withhold;
bring my sons from far away
and my daughters from the end of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”
8 Bring forth the people who are blind, yet
have eyes,
who are deaf, yet have ears!
9 Let all the nations gather together,
and let the peoples assemble.
Who among them declared this,
and foretold to us the former things?
Let them bring their witnesses to justify
them,
and let them hear and say, “It is true.”
10 You are my witnesses, says the Lord,
and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor shall there be any after me.
11 I, I am the Lord,
and besides me there is no savior.
12 I declared and saved and proclaimed,
when there was no strange god among you;
and you are my witnesses, says the Lord.
13 I am God, and also henceforth I am
He
there is no one who can deliver from my
hand;
I work and who can hinder it?
14 Thus says the Lord,
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
For your sake I will send to Babylon
and break down all the bars,
15 I am the Lord, your Holy One,
the Creator of Israel, your King.
16 Thus says the Lord,
who makes a way in the sea,
a path in the mighty waters,
17 who brings out chariot and horse,
army and warrior;
they lie down, they cannot rise,
they are extinguished, quenched like a
wick:
18 Do not remember the former things,
or consider the things of old.
19 I am about to do a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive
it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
20 The wild animals will honor me,
the jackals and the ostriches;
for I give water in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert,
to give drink to my chosen people,
21 the people whom I formed for myself
so that they might declare my praise.
22 Yet you did not call upon me, O
Jacob;
but you have been weary of me, O Israel!
23 You have not brought me your sheep
for burnt offerings,
or honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with offerings,
or wearied you with frankincense.
24 You have not bought me sweet cane
with money,
or satisfied me with the fat of your
sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins;
you have wearied me with your iniquities.
25 I, I am He
who blots out your transgressions for my
own sake,
and I will not remember your sins.
26 Accuse me, let us go to trial;
set forth your case, so that you may be
proved right.
27 Your first ancestor sinned,
and your interpreters transgressed against
me.
28 Therefore I profaned the princes of
the sanctuary,
I delivered Jacob to utter destruction,
and Israel to reviling.
